Who are We?
This has been a couple of incredibly hard weeks for us. With engine troubles, extreme weather, and exhaustion it brings to light the question, “Who ARE We?” They say that the truest sense of the person comes out at times of extreme stress and challenge.
I hope not.
I would love to say that we rose to each challenge with a hardy spirit, and loving support of each other – but that really wouldn’t be the case. In many things Daniel and I are united at a molecular lever. Pretty much any that affects Xanman and his immediate safety, we are bonded. But lately pretty much everything else has shown we are two very different people who think in very different ways and who respond to stress completely differently. I tend to get more precise, thinking that if I simply make sure there can be no misunderstanding, it will somehow make everything OK. Daniel starts becoming over-literal and starts reading between the lines to answer what he thinks I am really asking instead of what I asked. As you can see, this could cause some problems.
We are living in our home in very trying circumstances. It’s not done. Imagine if you will that you started a kitchen and a bathroom remodel at the same time. It’s all broken apart but you have to live in it…no running water. No sink. No stove. No bathroom. No privacy. Not only do you have to live in it but you have to figure out how to thrive in it and be ready to break down whatever you have setup so that you can move again without your shit breaking.
That’s what we are living in.
I keep organizing hoping that it will somehow help and make things more manageable. Thinking that it will lessen the amount we have to shift every time we need to move the rig. Well that’s great until Daniel decides he need to move whatever item someplace else for some reason only he knows. Does it make sense in the moment – probably. Like when we were being brushed by a tornado in Kansas and the hail whipping into the rig punched holes in our ceiling. Rain pouring through meant anything directly underneath and beside was getting wet. EVERYTHING moved then, but when that crisis is over; what then? Can’t things go back to where they were? Does everything need to be a debate or conversation?
Someone asked me near the beginning of this journey how I was feeling. I answered at that time, “Excited! Hopeful!” and “Needy.” She flagged me on the ‘needy’ response and I struggled with how to answer. There is much on this rig that I do not currently have the skills to fix. I am not savvy in electronics, nor in plumbing. I can wack a hammer with the best of them but what about when hammers are too much and more finesse is required? Like an intimate understanding of exactly where the frame members are and how they are connected. Daniel knows that – I don’t. This isn’t a regular house where you can find the studs every 16″ or something. I am utterly dependent on him for the literal day-to-day integrity of our home. I need to see Daniel close-by. I need to see him addressing things I cannot. I need to see things being fixed – not patched – fixed so I can trust that they will work and that our home won’t fall apart. In this way, I am very needy right now. I am sure Daniel is stressed beyond imagining; this is a lot to place on one persons shoulders. I am doing what I can – organizing. Making some type of a home for us instead of living in a pile of stuff. Bringing order. Managing finances and route. I lead when we drive so he doesn’t have to worry about navigation. I try to make sure the rig is clean (a nearly impossible task with 2 dogs and a 7 year old and a husband who doesn’t seem to care what critters are attracted by the cooking mess he has left outside. ***NOTE TO SELF: NEVER go camping with husband to grizzly country or we are most assuredly dinner!).
If that same friend were to ask me how I am doing right now, my answers would be very different. This could be that we haven’t really gotten any sleep since our lovely brush with the tornado so are sleep deprived. This could be that we are both just at our breaking point in trying to make an almost impossible situation work. It could be a combination of both plus whatever other baggage we have decided to bring to the front now, who knows.
We know we can live in the RV fulltime. We have done it before. We know we can work it out – our stubborn determination will not allow anything else. We know it won’t be easy but then that seems to be our way. “Take something impossible and make it work.” should be our motto…perhaps we should add, “And don’t kill each other in the process!”
We are very fortunate in that neither one of us is a mean person. When we fight, there are no rants about past faults or name-calling…usually. I think I did call him a name this last time when I was so mad pretty much every word out of my mouth was the f-bomb. I guess I should qualify that we are not trying to hurt each other. We are just super frustrated and angry.
A recent post on FB seems to be helping. I know, right?! Something on FB helping! It is a list of suggestions to help you organize and focus your thoughts/life/work – whatever. Here ya go!
DO ONE THING AT A TIME!
So much to share on another night. I need to finish writing about our time in NE and then our time in Kansas (which has forever earned its place in tornado alley as far as I am concerned)! We are currently in Texas hanging out with our grown-up kids. Did I mention that we have a 29 and a 26 year old and that we are grandparents in addition to having out 7 year old? LOL! Surprise!
In Peace and Hope and Love…